it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My feet surprised me
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