I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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