remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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