dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
