she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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