the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
