I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
