proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
