Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
