just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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