your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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