im six kinds of drunk right now
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
