i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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