genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
