Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
