i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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