I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
