I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
