And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
