Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
