i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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