I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I deserve this hangover.
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