As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
