I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
