don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
