Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
