making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize