Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
