Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Terrible idea I love it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
