Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
