Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
