At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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