Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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