smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
