Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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