Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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