I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
