Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
