Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize