if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
