I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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