just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
