He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
