my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
