Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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