Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
