oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
