I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
