The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
