what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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