Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize