i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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