I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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