Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
