WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
