Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
