Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
As shirtless as possible
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
