I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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